Forever Abandoned
by Lost x Inspiration
Summary: When Edward left the first time, Bella became a zombie. Now Edward's left her again, though he swore he never would, leaving worse situations for Bella to deal with behind. Now Bella's abandoned and virtually dead. Will she find love again? R&R!
1. Chapter 1

She showers every night before she falls asleep, always lingering in the downpour of hot water. Always letting just a few tears escape from where she locks them up all day. Hoping that as the water rolls off her skin, that maybe the misery will, too. Wishing that the heat will warm her insides, melt away her hardened, ice-cold heart, and possibly ignite something new; anything but the hollow cavity she's lived with for months. Something different than the bottomless pit of nothing that fills her body and swallows her whole; a hollow echo that permeates her every organ and haunts her every dream.

_He comes in closer, and my heart beats faster, my breathing increases. My hands start to shake and my knees feel weak as his face inches closer to mine. He kisses my forehead, and the feel of his gentle lips against my face makes something churn inside of me, but it's a good churn._

"_I will never hurt you," he whispers in my ear, his voice low and husky, strong and determined._

She slips and grabs onto the towel rack as she steps out of the shower. The shock of the memory made her lose her balance, almost toppling over onto the hard tile floor; the pain of the unexpected memory rises like bile in her throat, leaving behind a stinging, burning sensation where it touched. She half hopes she would have fallen and hit her head, only to bleed to death on the floor, no longer having to live through this…

But she can't do that. She can't let herself fall back into the hole that she's just now starting to climb out of.

She has to stay strong. If not for herself, for Charlie. She knows that she's all he has. The idea of her leaving this earth, finally being freed from her agony and suffering is an idea that she whole-heartedly would love to follow through with and be done with this already; but when she thinks of Charlie, left behind and all alone, having to deal with the tragedy of her suicide, she realizes that she can't do that. She has to make it through this for him.

Bella grips the sink and takes a deep breath, raising her head to get a good look at herself in the mirror. Her lifeless eyes, her decaying energy showing in her weakening limbs. Her life is being sucked in by his memory, and it's taking all of her strength to not think about him anymore.

She's secretly thankful that his name had gone out of style a while ago--otherwise, she'd be forced to hear it most days. She didn't have to put up with hearing it by chance, and the solid tear that'd rip through her chest as soon as she made the connection between the name and his face, and what he had done to her.

Sighing, Bella put her wet hair in a bun on her head and wrapped a towel around her, tiptoeing from the bathroom to her bedroom. It was late, and she didn't want to wake Charlie.

Once in the safety of her bedroom, she locked the door and turned off the light. The only light source in her room was from the window; a streetlight a few houses down lit up her room in the tiniest, eeriest way.

She laid down in her bed, burying herself under the sheets, finding comfort in being able to hide herself, even if just from her bedroom. She knew she should get dressed, but she honestly couldn't find the motivation to do it. Why even try to look presentable? No one was going to visit her in the middle of the night anymore.

With that thought, she exhaled as if she'd been punched straight in the chest. She had thought about him, even though it was indirect, and it tore open the patch that she'd closed up by now. The tears started coming, and she buried her face in her pillow, muffling her sobs that were becoming increasingly louder and stronger.

She was alone again, as always. The same way it had been for the past several months. She had stopped counting the days by now; she finally accepted that he would never return for her the way he once had. He didn't love her the way he had, and he'd never love her again.

When the heaves and sobs turned into quiet hiccup-like cries, she rolled out of bed, grabbed her chair and pulled it over to the window. She sat in it, resting her head on the glass and taking her fingers and sweeping them over the windowpane. The window wasn't open, nor had it been since the night he left. She began crying a little heavier now, realizing no one would be sneaking in through that window anymore.

Alone, forever. He left her again when he swore he never would. He broke his promise to her, not once, but twice, and what remains of her was left alone to pick up the pieces. But she can't do that. She couldn't do it the first time he left, and she can't do it this time, either.

Forever abandoned. Never to be whole.


	2. Chapter 2

Bella awoke still sitting in her folding chair by the window, still wrapped in a towel. Judging by the light streaming in through her window, she assumed it was late morning. Therefore, Charlie would already be at work, so it was safe to wander the house without him poking into her life and asking intrusive questions that she wasn't prepared to answered.

Bella's life had seriously taken a plunge after he had left her. They were only a few days away from the wedding, and she was scheduled to attend Dartmouth in the fall. At least, that's what they told the outsiders. Everyone else knew what was really going to happen after the honeymoon: she was finally going to become one of them.

When he left, the wedding was obviously called off. Bella refused to attend any type of school, or go anywhere other than to different rooms in the house.

As she pulled herself up and out of the folding chair she had slept in, she looked at the calendar on her wall: February 17th. She was shocked. Was it really already February? It felt like she had just had a very awkward Christmas with Charlie days ago. She shivered as she realized how quickly time had passed, even though every minute without him felt like a punch in the gut, knocking the wind out of her and leaving her gasping for air. Time was playing tricks on her, and she didn't like it. It was unnerving.

Bella slipped on sweatpants and a t-shirt and traveled downstairs. Rummaging through the kitchen, she found nothing appetizing, and decided to skip breakfast. She knew that she was losing weight and becoming sickeningly thin, but she never had the desire to eat anymore. She only ever ate when Charlie was watching, so that he wouldn't get angry with her for refusing to eat.

A lot of things that Bella used to love were becoming things of the past. She hadn't ventured outside since he left--she was too afraid to leave the comfort of her house, her shelter. She hadn't read a single book, either, nor had she visited, called, or made effort to make contact with Jacob. Jacob had been the one who held her together the last time _he _had left; but this time, Bella wasn't sure if Jacob would ever consider being her friend again.

Last time, it got to a point where she almost gave in and almost gave herself up to Jacob. She had decided that she could be happy (or, as happy as she could possibly be) with Jacob, and that as long as he wanted her, she shouldn't be stingy and not let him have her. Jacob was her best friend, and one of the only people she could truly trust in this world.

But… after Edward came back, Bella dropped Jacob without warning and was totally and completely in love with Edward again. Jacob had lost, despite his efforts to prove to Bella she should have picked him. And after Jacob had received news of the wedding, he took off. Apparently, no one's heard from him since.

Other than having Edward back, the one thing Bella wanted more than anything was to at least have Jacob to hold her hand and make her laugh, just like they used to. She would kill to have her old friend back. Bella sat down on the couch in the living room and curled up into the fetal position, fighting off the tears that begged to be released.

But, like always, she lost to her emotions once again, and ended up becoming a sad, teary mess. Eventually, she fell asleep, and in her dreams she saw Jacob's face, his eyes angry and his nostrils flared, furious with her for picking Edward over him, and then wanting to crawl back to him when Edward left her once again.

Jacob had always been right, Bella realized. Maybe Jacob was the one for her. Maybe he had been telling the truth the whole time: that he was much more healthier for her than Edward was. At least, from where Bella was right now, it seemed like Jacob was completely correct.

When she awoke, her face was moist and she was shivering. She felt a breeze blow over her, and she shivered and pulled the blanket closer to her. But… what? She hadn't fallen asleep with a blanket. She sat up, and realized the door was standing wide open. It was dark outside, and suddenly, Bella was stricken with fear that someone had broken in.

She sighed out of relief when she heard Charlie's soft voice in the kitchen. She assumed he was on the phone, but he wasn't talking loud enough for her to hear what was being said.

Slowly, she sank back down into the couch, too tired and weak to close the door, and instead settling for burying herself deeper into the cushions and blanket.

After a few moments, Charlie walked into the living room, stopping when he was across from Bella and putting his hands on his hips.

"Bella," he said sternly. "Come on."

"What?" she asked, confused to what he was talking about. Her voice was hoarse from where she had been asleep all afternoon, and she cleared her throat.

"We're going to the hospital," Charlie announced plainly.

"Why?" Bella questioned, sitting up a bit, afraid of what was going on.

Before answering, Charlie stared straight into her eyes, his expression verging on angry. Suddenly, he sighed and turned away from her, his hard, composed front breaking down before her. "Bella, I can't deal with this any longer. You need help."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: special thanks to my lovely baby sister, i'mterrifiedtospeak.x3!**

"She's dangerously underweight," the doctor whispered to Charlie, trying to keep his voice low so that Bella wouldn't hear. But she could, and she leaned towards the door so she could hear him better. "I at least want to keep her here until we can stabilize her weight. She could very possibly be suffering from an eating disorder. We can have a psychologist come in and perform a psychiatric evaluation while she's here. Along with an eating disorder, she could also have either post-traumatic stress disorder or some form of depression. Regardless, she'll be staying here for the next few weeks."

"I understand," Charlie said lowly, his voice sad. After a moment of thought, he asked, hopefully, "Will she get better?"

"I don't know," the doctor admitted regretfully.

The silence that followed was deafening.

* * * *

Bella examined herself and all the tubes and wires hooked up to her. She could feel every drop of the IV in her vein, and it made her want to rip it out. There was a tube inserted through her nose, and when she tugged on it, she could feel it on her throat. She almost threw up. They were tube feeding her, and the doctor thought she had an eating disorder. It's not that she hated herself and wanted to be thinner, it's just that she never had the desire to eat anymore.

Post-traumatic stress disorder? Depression? At first, Bella rolled her eyes at the ideas. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that maybe the doctor was right. She was faring as well as she could without Edward, but if she stepped back and really evaluated herself, she understood how Charlie saw her. How she was wasting away before him, every day becoming weaker and recoiling into herself, speaking less and eating less, sleeping more and thinking more. Bella was detaching herself from the only person who still had love for her: Charlie.

The hours dragged by increasingly slower, doctors and nurses coming in to check up on her, see if she's okay, and leaving. Charlie sat in the room with her, holding the remote and flipping through the channels, but he never really spoke to her. He slept in the armchair by the hospital bed at night, but after a few days, he had to return to work, so Bella was left alone.

At regular intervals, a psychiatrist came in to visit Bella. She tried to act as if she was just interested in Bella's life, but Bella knew what the psychiatrist was really searching for. So Bella never offered any information that would make the psychiatrist think she was either depressed, suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, or suffering from an eating disorder. Bella just wanted to be out of the hospital so she could be truly alone again. She knew she wasn't dealing with Edward's leaving her well, but she wasn't ready to deal with it yet. It was not something she could consciously think about and not fear breaking down and going insane. It was simply too much for her to bear.

After another unsuccessful session with Bella's psychiatrist, Dr. Hatfield, Bella was left alone in her hospital room. She wasn't fond of watching TV, so she found herself watching as the earth became darker before her very eyes outside of her hospital window. Forks was notorious for being one of the rainiest places on the planet, and as usual, it was raining outside, the clouds hanging barely above the trees, a gray sheet covering the city like a blanket. Since it was already so dark from the clouds, the shift between daylight, sunset, and darkness wasn't very easy to spot, but Bella tried to tell if the sun had set or not yet. She was very intrigued by this, comparing every previous minute to the next, trying to tell if it was darker than before. She knew by the time that it shouldn't be totally dark yet, but it just looked so black outside of the window.

As she concentrated on the darkness, curious as to whether it was possible for it to be darker than it already was, she saw something move, slowly, right behind the glass. Bella was taken back, and blinked. She _knew_ she saw something, but after a few minutes, she figured her eyes were just becoming weary from staring at the same landscape for such a long time.

Bella closed her eyes and tried to give in to sleep, wanting it to crawl up on her and let her succumb, letting her escape the dull hospital scene before her.

Without warning, something that sounded like a dog scratching at a door startled her, making her eyes pop open. Searching for the source of the sound, her eyes locked in on the window she had just been staring out of moments ago.

Just behind the glass, staring straight back at her, were two black eyes. Her heart jumped as she connected the black eyes with the memory of a certain vampire, and she clutched the bed sheets where her hands rested, pulling herself up on the bed. Before she let his name escape her lips, Bella realized that the eyes were too large to be human, and… that wasn't a human figure.

It was like an extremely large, overly grown wolf. A werewolf.

Her heart sunk in realization that it wasn't who she had hoped for. But still, it was someone who meant something to her.

"Jacob?" she asked the window, hurriedly pulling the sheets off of her body and getting out of the hospital bed.

The shape behind the window shifted, and it became a man. Bella instantly recognized him as Jacob. She began to walk towards the window, cautiously, not wanting to be disappointed if she got too close and he disappeared.

Jacob held up his hand and placed it to the window, the rain separating and making new paths on the glass where his hand had disturbed it. Bella took her hand, and, shaking, held it up, directing it toward where his was, and then--

"Bella, honey?" a woman's voice asked through the silence, and Bella jumped and turned around, letting out a scream at the same time.

Bella's hand flew to her chest. "You scared me," she admitted, blushing.

The nurse smiled and apologized. "I'm sorry. But it's time for you to be getting in bed and going to sleep."

"Oh, well, in a minute, but--"

"No, not in a minute. Now."

The harshness of the nurse's voice shocked Bella, and not wanting to cause a scene, Bella slipped back into bed, defeated.

When the nurse had left the room and turned out the lights, Bella looked longingly back at the window where Jacob had once stood, but he was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

"So, how have you been doing so far in your stay at the hospital?" Dr. Hatfield asked inquisitively, pushing the square glasses up on her nose and the loose strands of hair out of her face. She crossed her legs and pulled her chair closer to the hospital bed where Bella laid. Bella could smell her perfume, and the awfully strong fragrance made Bella dizzy.

"Fine," Bella spat, trying not to breathe and inhale the repulsive scent.

"I see you've been gaining weight," Dr. Hatfield spat back, the conversation becoming a battle. "It's good, though," she added, "and you look much healthier, and a lot better. You've been making improvement."

"Hmm," Bella wondered aloud, exhausted by the shallow questions and comments that were repeated at every meeting with this strange woman.

For a few moments, Bella and Dr. Hatfield sat in silence, the psychiatrist scribbling on her notepad. Bella closed her eyes and wished her away, wanting to be alone again. When she began to speak again, Bella opened her eyes in defeat, almost upset that her wish hadn't been granted.

"Bella," Dr. Hatfield began, her voice lower and more intense than before, "I think we need to start discussing some of the tough stuff you've been going through."

"I think not," Bella disagreed, her tone of voice harsh.

"It would be best for you to let all of your bottled up emotions out. And you can trust me with whatever, you know that. I want to help you," Dr. Hatfield coaxed.

Bella rolled her eyes, looking away from the psychiatrist. She was over all of it, all of the silly small talk that her father was paying big bucks for. Not to Dr. Hatfield, nor to anyone else, would she ever explain what had happened between her and Edward. Bella had closed it up inside her heart, hiding it in a special place so that she would never have to deal with it again. That was it. It was done. She was tired of people asking her to tell them what happened and wanting her to "get all of her emotions out." They didn't really care about her. They were just greedy to know what had made her into a zombie again.

"I don't think my emotions are any of your business," Bella said through clinched teeth.

"Bella, you're never going to get anywhere if you continue to push everyone who cares about you and wants to help you out of your life," Dr. Hatfield stated, her voice becoming louder with every word.

"Did you ever stop to consider," Bella began, raising her voice and her face becoming red, "that maybe I don't want help? Huh? Maybe I'm fine the way I am. And I'm tired of everyone intruding and trying to control my life. I'm dealing with this in the best way possible for me, and I don't need any of your help."

Bella sank back down into the hospital bed in relief, her breathing slowing. Getting all of that out was the best therapy she'd had this whole time.

Aggravated, Dr. Hatfield lowered her head and pinched the bridge of her nose, exhaling a gust of air.

Bella gasped, recognizing the habit as something familiar to her. Without warning, his face popped into her mind, and her heart tore open at the same time.

"He… he used to… you're doing it…" Bella sputtered, unable to form a sentence. Her breathing quickened, and she felt the tears flood her eyes.

"What?" Dr. Hatfield questioned, looking up to see what Bella was making a commotion about.

"I… I…" she continued, not able to speak coherently. "He… you…" before she could say anything else, tears spilled over her cheeks, and she began sobbing uncontrollably.

"Bella?" Dr. Hatfield asked worriedly. "Bella, what's wrong?"

Bella could feel herself slipping away, being sucked in by the memory that threatened to swallow her whole. The room closed in on her, the edges of her vision becoming black, and suddenly, she wasn't in the hospital anymore.

"_I love you," he said to me, his voice fervent. He brought his had to my face, his ice-cold fingers making a trail from my temple to my chin, and shivers went down my spine. "Forever."_

"_I love you," I replied, making emphasis that _I _was the one that loved _him_. Why he loved me would remain a mystery forever, but I didn't want to question it as long as he was around._

"_And…" I began, looking down and blushing. I was almost afraid of what I wanted to say._

_He laughed at my hesitation. "And?" he pressed._

"_I want to… you know. Prove to you that I love you." I paused, waiting for his reaction, judging to see if he was angry yet._

_But his face was still content, his eyebrows propped up in the most adorable way, his lips relaxed in an effortless smile._

"…_Physically." I added on to the end of my previous sentence._

_He thought over that for a minute, looking straight into my eyes the entire time. I couldn't tell what was going through his mind, and no emotions flashed over his face. I became nervous, not sure how he was going to respond to my advance._

"_Bella," he whispered my name, closing his eyes. "I thought we'd already talked about this."_

"_I know," I admitted sheepishly, "but… I'm ready."_

"_The wedding is only a few days away," he countered, trying to hold me off. "And we had a deal."_

"_Are you afraid I would call off the deal, and call off the wedding? I wouldn't do that, Edward, I swear. All the invitations have been sent out, the plans are set, and it would be ridiculous to call it off. Besides… I'm looking forward to becoming Mrs. Cullen," I added on at the end, abashed of my turn in heart of the situation. I wasn't lying, either. I really was excited about becoming Edward's wife._

"_Really?" Edward asked, and his face lit up. Rarely did I surprise him, but I did in that moment, and my heart sped up. This was going good._

"_Yes, really," I promised. "And I'm ready to prove it to you, now. I want to."_

"_Bella," he said, defeated, and I knew I had him._

"_I love you," I said meaningfully, and rolled on top of him, kissing his lips once. "Let me show you."_

_Edward gave in for a couple of moments, letting me kiss him, but then he extended his arms and held me away from his face. "Bella," he stated sternly. "I don't think I'm ready."_

"_If you're not ready now, then how are you going to be ready on our wedding night?" I challenged. "It's only a few days away. Besides, Edward," I continued, lowering my voice, "I know you're ready. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't trust your ability to not hurt me. I love you, and I trust you, more than anything. Just let me show you."_

_Edward held me away from him, staring into my eyes with an intensity that burned me. I stared straight back, hoping he was finding answers in my eyes, answers that led him to what I wanted._

_After a moment, he laid me down on the bed next to him, then climbed on top of me, kissing from my temple to my ear, to my jaw and my neck._

"_No," he disagreed, speaking in between kisses, "Let me show _you_."_

Bella was shaking, cold sweat sticking to her forehead. Some type of sound was making her head hurt, and as she came back into the present, she realized it was a voice, shouting her name over and over.

She blinked a few times, and then became aware of Dr. Hatfield standing above her.

"What is wrong with you?" she accused, taking hold of Bella's shoulders and looking into her eyes. "What just happened? Why wouldn't you talk to me?"

Bella could see that Dr. Hatfield was clearly frightened, but she was too exhausted to explain anything. Bella hadn't thought of that night, consciously or subconsciously, since it happened, and the memory made something inside of her move, something thaw, something beginning to melt away.

Bella hadn't seen Dr. Hatfield leave the room, but when she looked up, she was alone.

She closed her eyes and imagined the memory again, drinking in its clarity. She had closed off these scenes for her own good, but when she thought about them, it actually made her feel… content. Made her feel _something_. She let out a sigh of relief, clutching her chest and squeezing her eyes shut, rejoicing internally for the relief she felt.

It was strange, how she could consciously think of him and not hurt. She smiled to herself.

For a few moments, she was happy, and no one could have changed that. Something moved around inside of her empty chest, and she became whole again. She was different, changing, becoming the person she once was.

But as she opened her eyes and inspected the room before her, she realized she was alone.

Still alone. Like she always had been.

Her happiness left, and it was replaced by the hollowness she had experienced for the past several months now.

She was still alone. He was still gone. And no amount of remembering would ever bring him back.


	5. Chapter 5

"Dad," Bella pleaded, looking him straight in the eye, "Please. Don't make me go. I don't know what happened, but I'm getting better, I promise. Just let me go home."

Charlie's expression was sad, exhausted, defeated. He had been through a lot with Bella, and she knew that. But she couldn't deal with being put into a mental institute in Seattle, so far away from home.

"Bella, I don't know what to do. Your own psychiatrist ran out on you. What's that supposed to tell me?" he asked rhetorically.

"Dad, she's crazy," Bella muttered.

"_She's_ the crazy one?"

Bella bit her lip in anger. "That's not funny. I'm not crazy. You know that. Why are you letting these doctors get to your head?"

"Because they're experts in what they do, Bella. It's easy to believe them because they have the degrees to prove they're right. What do I have from you? You've been moping around the house for nearly seven months now, Bella. Seven months. And this isn't the first time it's happened. There's something wrong, and you need help." Charlie's face had become red, and the veins in his neck were sticking out.

"My fiancée left me four days before our wedding, Dad," Bella shouted at her father. "I'm not sure if you seem to remember that correctly. He left me. Abandoned me. For the second time. And you expect me to be okay with it, to jump back up and be happy with life again? It doesn't work that way," she said, her voice becoming weak.

Charlie leaned over where Bella laid and grabbed her into a hug.

"I'm sorry," he said into her ear. He pulled back and looked at her. "It's just… I miss the old Bella. I miss it when you were actually _alive._ And I want that Bella back, okay? If you come home, will you promise me to try to stop sulking around and be yourself again? I need you back, Bella. I don't want to have to send you to the other hospital in Seattle. I want you in the house, I promise."

Bella took that in, registering what he said. "I… I can't promise anything, Dad. It's not that easy for me. But I can try. And it won't be right away. But I'll try," Bella vowed, hoping she could keep her promise. "I love you, Dad."

"And I love you, too, Bells."

* * * *

Returning home was the best thing that had happened to Bella in a month. She took the time to bury herself in her bed, inhaling the familiar scent of her comforter, and she found herself smiling.

She took the folding chair and moved it to her window once again. Night had fallen, but this time, the sky was clear and she could see every star in the sky. Slowly, carefully, she took the time to peel the window open. It was difficult at first; the window stuck from where it hadn't been opened for nearly seven months. But, with a snap, it popped open and a burst of cool air blew in and around Bella's face, blowing her hair around.

She leaned out into the night, the top half of her body hanging out of the window. Her hands gripped the windowsill, and she mustered up the courage needed to speak the words that were running through her mind, the words she'd been dying to say since that night at the hospital.

The name repeated over and over again in her mind, and the more she thought about it, the more nervous she felt. But she needed to do this, she needed to know.

Giving into her emotions, she finally spoke into the night.

"Jacob."

She didn't say anything more, just let the name hang in the air, waiting for a response.

Bella heard what sounded like an intake of breath, but it was so quiet, she could have imagined it.

"I know you're there."

Again, no response.

The silence discouraged her, but she continued anyway.

A small sob escaped as she opened her mouth to say the last line.

"I need you."

She closed her eyes, not wanting to be disappointed if nothing happened.

But as she recoiled back into her room, getting ready to shut the window, warm hands covered hers, and he leapt in through the window.

Without saying a word, he swallowed her in his embrace, holding her close to his warm chest.

Bella let the tears flow freely now, knowing that she had someone to comfort her.

Jacob remained still, holding her, comforting her. He kissed the top of her head, and her sobs became even more violent.

"I'm sorry," she choked out through the sobs, holding him to her even tighter.

Jacob guided her to the bed, laying her down beside him and brushing her hair out of her face. She kept her eyes closed, too weak to stop the tears and too afraid to look at Jacob in the eyes just yet.

Bella nearly laughed at the irony of the situation; the only other person to hold her in this bed had to keep a blanket between them so she wouldn't freeze, but Jacob kept her warmer than any blanket could have.

Jacob could have said "I told you so." As he held her, she was waiting for it to come out of his mouth at any moment. She braced herself for when it escaped his lips. But it never did.

He should have said it. He should have slapped her in the face and left her alone. He shouldn't have comforted her when she was the one to pick someone over him in the first place.

She didn't deserve this.

At some point, Bella drifted into sleep. When she awoke, she was alone, and she felt a sharp pang in her heart once again. She started to doubt he had ever come in the first place, and she was just hallucinating. After all the accusations of mental disturbance by the doctors at the hospital, it wasn't that difficult to believe.

When she went downstairs, Charlie was on the phone. It confused her for a moment, but then she remembered it was Sunday, and he wasn't working.

"That's great. Yeah. I'll definitely see you soon. Bye." Charlie hung the phone up, and turned around to see Bella standing in the kitchen.

"Bella, you wouldn't believe it. That was Billy on the phone," he said, and his eyes were alive.

"What did he say?" Bella questioned, feeling unnecessarily worried.

"Jacob's come back home."


	6. Chapter 6

"Oh," Bella said, the reality of last night crashing in on her. "That's… wonderful."

"Yeah, it is," Charlie agreed, a permanent smile on his face. "You know, if you're feeling up to it… maybe you should go see him. I'm sure he'd love to see you."

Bella thought about it for a moment, considering leaving the house, willingly, for the first time in seven months. She wondered if her ancient truck would even start; she hadn't driven it in so long. Neither had she worn real clothes in months--she had stuck with pajamas, sweats, and t-shirts for the most part.

"I might."

Charlie smiled, and patted Bella on the shoulder. "That's really great, Bells." He kissed her forehead and headed towards the living room.

Bella made her way upstairs, and went through her clothes, picking out jeans and a long sleeved shirt to wear. She pulled her hair down from the ponytail she had it in, and let it fall down her shoulders, loose and wavy. She washed her face, brushed her teeth, took a deep breath, grabbed her keys, and left.

The drive to La Push was nerve-racking for Bella; her hands were clammy, and it was hard for her to get a good grip on the steering wheel. What had happened last night in her room wasn't strange to Bella--she needed Jacob just for the purpose of being able to cry and get some of her emotions out. It was just new to her. And she wasn't sure how Jacob saw their relationship, nor was she sure how she saw their relationship. Were they friends again? Would they be something more?

Pulling up to the small house in La Push, she cut the engine off, and she spotted Billy peaking out of the window. He left the window and appeared in the doorway and opening the door for her.

"Bella," Billy shouted when she stepped out of the truck. Before saying anything else, he waited for her to walk right up to him. He grabbed her hands and looked her straight in the eyes. "It's really, very nice to see you again," he almost whispered.

Bella blushed. "Thanks," she muttered, embarrassed that he was hinting at her seven month hideout.

"Jake's in his room," he said, and winked.

Billy returned into his house, wheeling his way into the kitchen and out of sight.

Bella took a deep breath, and slowly began walking through the small house. She wished it were bigger so she could have had more time to gather her thoughts, but before she could straighten anything out, she was standing in Jacob's doorway.

He was lying on his bed, asleep. His body was turned away from her; he laid on his side facing the window. He only had on shorts, and he had thrown his blanket off of him.

Bella closed the door quietly, and silently peeled off her boots. She grabbed the blanket from the floor beside his bed and laid down behind Jacob, putting her face to his chest, and wrapping her short arms around his bulky body.

Jacob stirred, moving his hand to rest over Bella's, and she held her breath, praying she didn't wake him.

But he rolled over in bed, and she let go of her hold on him. He blinked a few times, processing the scene before him and waking up.

Bella didn't know what to do, didn't know what to say.

Jacob smiled, and the tense feeling in her throat melted away. Gently, he guided his hand to her face, and traced from her eye to her lip. She closed her eyes, and a cold chill ran up her spine.

He continued guiding his fingers from Bella's throat to her shoulder, to her arm and to her hand that laid, sprawled out, on the bed between their chests.

He was hesitant, not knowing how she would react, when he reached for her tiny, fragile hand. He traced his fingers over her hand, and lingered, afraid to push any further, terrified to hurt her anymore.

But Bella flipped her hand palm-side up and laced his fingers in hers. And when she did, something clicked in her. Not like buildings crashing or stars colliding, but something smaller. Like a puzzle piece found to match up with another--two pieces out of one million that fit perfectly within each other. It was a small change, but it was big enough for her to notice.

The pain ebbed, flowing just slightly away. His hand held her together, warmed her somehow.

It was nowhere near to what she had felt with Edward; but it was something different that the ceaseless void in her chest. She felt the color come back to her face.

For the first time in seven months, she felt different.

She couldn't describe the feeling at first… it crept up on her, catching her off guard. She couldn't think of the word that told completely how she felt in that moment, with his hand in hers, with his eyes staring into hers…

Then it came to her.

Hopeful.

**A/N: So I'm really enjoying writing this story! Thanks to everyone who has read it and/or reviewed it so far. I don't want to sound like I'm begging, but please… review! It really helps me out and encourages me to write more. And if you don't like something, tell me! Constructive criticism is helpful. So, review, review, review! :]**

**P.S… happy birthday to me. :]**


	7. Chapter 7

Jacob and Bella wandered, hand in hand, down La Push beach, the sun peaking out from the clouds every so often and warming them. Bella was reminded of when this had happened before, so long ago. Before Jacob was a werewolf; before Edward came back for her. If Bella hadn't jumped off of the cliff, if Alice hadn't seen her do it… where would Bella be now?

Maybe she would have been healed by now. Maybe, if Edward hadn't come back into her life again, she would have remained with Jacob, and he would have alleviated all of her open wounds, tenderly caring to them, cleaning them out and bandaging them.

Bella felt guilt rush over her. If she hadn't jumped off of the cliff, and if Alice hadn't seen her, then Jacob wouldn't have had to be put through the pain of Bella leaving him. It was as if when Bella was happy, Jacob couldn't be happy without her; and when Jacob was happy, Bella couldn't be happy without Edward.

But she was determined to change that fact. Edward wasn't coming back for her this time. He gave Bella a second chance, and she blew it, once again. She didn't deserve Edward, nor did she feel as if she deserved Jacob.

Through all the pain she had inflicted on the ones that she loved, Bella felt that she didn't deserve anyone at all. She was fully worthy and entitled to her loneliness.

But Jacob held her hand, and in a way, held her together. And in that moment, that was all that mattered.

* * * *

"So…" Jacob began, pulling Bella to a fallen tree and having her sit by him. He never let go of her hand. "How often do you… think about _him_?"

The blow to Bella's chest hurt, but it was bearable. As long as Jacob held her hand, nothing could hurt her. Not even his memory.

"Not at all," she stated, her eyes closed shut. Then she added, "Well, not on purpose."

The sound of the waves crashing on the rocks filled the silence and soothed Bella.

"What do you mean?" Jacob inquired.

Bella took in a deep breath. "Sometimes… well, sometimes, there are things that remind me of him. And I think about him. But not on purpose. I do everything I possibly can to not think about him."

Jacob took that in and sat for a moment, deep in thought.

"Does it hurt to think about _him_?" he finally asked, his voice so quiet it was almost a whisper.

"Very much so," Bella admitted, her voice as soft as his.

For a few minutes, they said nothing. Jacob sat and stared at his feet, trying to stay calm enough to ask the question in his mind, while Bella gazed out over the water currents. How she wished they would have swallowed her whole the day she jumped off of the cliff.

"What happens if he comes back for you?" Jacob spat out, his words running together. He didn't mean to sound so harsh, but he had to get the words out as fast as possible.

"What?" Bella asked, his mumbled words not registering right away in her head.

Jacob didn't say anything else, just let her process what he had asked.

"He won't be coming back," Bella whispered, looking down at her feet. "Not for me. Not for his family. Not for anything."

"What happened to the rest of the Cullens?" Jacob asked.

Bella looked at him, and he said, hurriedly, "You don't have to tell me, Bella. If you're not ready, we don't have to talk about it. I'm just curious."

"I told them all to leave," she confessed. "I didn't want them here. They would only remind me of him."

Jacob nodded, understanding.

He stood up, letting go of her hand and pacing back and forth, kicking pebbles that were in his path. Bella watched, intrigued, wanting to know what was running through his mind.

He stopped at one point, and stood in front of her. He got down on one knee, and he grabbed her hand.

"You know I love you, Bella," he said softly. "You know that. I always will. But I want to know where this is going. No matter what, I'll help you and still be your friend… but I want you to be more to me than that. In my mind, you are so much more to me than that. I just… I need to know what your intentions are. Why you opened your window last night and called for me, instead of him. I need to know."

Bella kept her eyes locked on his. His eyes burned with intensity, and she was terrified of ever hurting him.

Bella _wanted _to be something more to Jacob… she wanted to have love again. But she knew it would never compare to the love she had for Edward; she would never be able to give Jacob her entire heart.

It hurt her to hurt him--she knew that if she told him she didn't want him, she would hurt just as bad as he did. And when he was happy, she was happy--if she were to be something more to him, she would share his happiness.

Bella reached her hand up and caressed his face, then pulled his face into hers, kissing him on the lips.

She pulled her head back, but still held his face in her hands.

"This is my intention," she whispered, and returned to his lips, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Jacob took his arms and encased Bella's waist in them, picking her up and carrying her bridal-style back to the house. While walking, Jacob and Bella just looked into each other's eyes, both knowing what was about to happen.

When he passed the house, Bella was surprised, but she realized he was carrying her back to the garage.

He moved past the vehicle in the middle and to the back, laying Bella down on a mattress she had never notice before.

Jacob moved above her, kissing her and touching her, trying to show his affections for her. Trying to let her know just how much he adored her and loved her. And only three words made sense to him in that moment.

"I love you," he exhaled between kissing her.

Bella's facial expression went from nearly blank to tortured. Her eyes welled up and her lips twisted downwards. She clutched her neck, her words caught in her throat. All choked up, it took all of her strength to say something back.

"I love you, too," she replied, and she began to cry. She reached up and pulled him to her again, continuing to kiss him and hold him.

"It's so good to hear you say that." Jacob's voice sounded like he was about to cry.

Jacob moved down to her hips, and slid his hand under her shirt, holding her waist. He began to move her shirt upwards toward her chest, but then abruptly stopped.

He pulled away from her face. "Bella."

Bella was disoriented from his sudden stop. Her eyebrows shot up in confusion.

"I don't want to do this if you're not ready," he whispered.

"I'm ready," she responded, and pulled his face back to her.

In one swift movement, Jacob had Bella's shirt up and over her head.


	8. Chapter 8

Bella's shoulders shook violently as she rolled over and out of the bed, praying she wouldn't wake Jacob where he slept. She grabbed her clothes from off of the floor and gently put them back on. The tears running down her face wouldn't stop, and her sobs became so forceful that she was afraid that she wouldn't even make it out of the garage before the real crying began. But once she had her boots laced up, she tiptoed out of the garage, and then ran through the rain towards her truck.

But she couldn't stop there. She turned on the truck and had to get away from his house; she didn't want him waking up and following her. Nor did she want Billy to see her crying from his front window. Though her vision was blurred by her tears, she drove through the rain back to her house, her safety. By that point her emotions had gotten the best of her, and she was struggling for air as she pulled herself up the stairs and into her room.

Her bed was the only place she felt comfortable any longer. With her wet jacket and boots still on, she jumped in bed and pulled the thick comforter over her, burying herself from the world. In the sanctuary of her blankets, Bella could finally pull out her thoughts and think.

What had she done? She had promised that Edward would be the only one she would ever love, especially in that way. Why had she done it? She loved Jacob, but she felt like she was breaking a promise to Edward. She only loved Edward, only Edward…

She had practically asked Jacob to sleep with her. What was wrong with her? She wasn't a whore, she refused to call herself that. Though, at this point, if someone else had called her that, they might not be too far off. She had given herself up not to one, but to two different men already. The first who left her, and the second who was her best friend.

What had she done?

What had she _done?_

Bella closed her eyes and shivers, giving in to her emotions, letting the heartache rip through her and tear her apart, bit by bit. She barely even noticed when she slipped away from the present and was standing in the midst of a scene from months before; thrown right into a night that she had sworn she'd never think about again.

_I leaned in closer to Edward--I was so warm from him, though he was so cold. I pressed myself against him, our naked bodies meeting and forming the perfect union. I smiled to myself, letting my body melt in his._

"_I love you," I stated again, my voice saturated with warmth and adoration._

_Edward was silent. I stole a glance of his face._

_He didn't look happy. He was staring up at the ceiling, his lips in a rigid line, his arms stiff, refusing to hold me._

"_Edward?" I asked, but he didn't reply._

_I sat up and looked at him. "Edward. Talk to me."_

_For the longest time, all he did was stare at that ceiling. I wondered if I should have taken a look at what he was staring at, but I didn't. Eventually, he turned his face to look at mine, and his expression was blank._

"_Edward," I said, and retreated backwards from him. His expression was so… unbelievably horrifying. "You're scaring me."_

_After a few moments of nothing, his face twisted in anguish and torture._

"_I can't believe you let me do this," he said through clinched teeth._

"_What?" I asked, surprised. I hadn't made him do anything._

"_You made me do this."_

_I blinked, unsure as to why he was blaming me._

"_I don't understand what's wrong," I admitted._

_Before my eyes could adjust, Edward was dressed and standing by the foot of the bed. His arms hung by his waist, his fists clinched into balls. He stared straight at me, his eyes furious._

"_Don't ever try to contact me," he began, as if he were listing rules. "You used me, and I can't believe it. I can't believe I trusted you."_

"_What?" I gasped, not believing what I had just heard. But before the word had even left my mouth, he was gone._

Bella's eyes flew open as if she had just had a nightmare.

A sound escaped her mouth, one of anguish and despair. One of loneliness and fatigue, of torment and grief.

She had slept with Edward, and he had left her.

And now, she had slept with Jacob. And he was going to leave her as well.

She screwed it up for herself. So many opportunities to make it better, and she just kept on messing up.

Jacob was going to leave her. She couldn't get that thought out of her mind.

And she couldn't bear to think of the day when not only had Edward left her to die, but Jacob had too.

Bella knew what she was going to do. It was something she had fantasized about for months now.

She only wished Charlie would eventually forgive her.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: sorry this took so long to post! I've been busy for the past couple of weeks… yeah. Plus, this one was super hard to write--I still feel like I rushed it a bit, but oh well. I just kept getting stuck, and I wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen next, but now I have a good idea of where the story's going and where it will end. We still have a few chapters left after this one, I believe :] but, yeah. Here's the new chapter! Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed so far!**

Bella carefully placed her engagement ring on the edge of the bathtub. Beside it, she placed the beautifully carved wolf that Jacob had made her so long ago; and beside that, she set down the razorblade.

She cranked the water on to hot, and slipped her clothes off, carefully folding them and placing them into a pile next to the bath. She put her toe in the water, testing its warmth, and then slid her whole body in.

She took a few deep breaths, and let the water fill up the tub. When it had reached the tip of the bathtub, she turned it off and sat in silence, listening to the faucet leak, how the rhythm of it coincided with the rhythm of her heartbeat, slow and steady.

Bella allowed herself to willingly imagine him for the first time since he had left. She closed her eyes and saw his face, as beautiful as it had always been. He smiled at her, his gold eyes glowing, his crooked smile warming her heart.

She took the razor and slid it up her wrist, making sure it was parallel to the vein below it. Blood gushed out and onto her arm, sliding into the water and staining it. With a breath, she picked up her other arm and placed the razorblade to it, pushing it into her arm and slowly and deliberately sliding it downwards--

A white arm shot out in front of her and grabbed her wrist. Bella dropped the razor and stared.

Something in her connected the cool, white arm with him--but the arm was much too slender to be a man's. Bella's face shot up, and she stared into familiar eyes.

"Bella," Alice almost chided, and if she had been able to cry, she would have been.

Bella's tears broke out then, and she couldn't make any coherent words.

With one quick movement, Alice had Bella out of the bathtub and into her arms, a towel wrapped around her.

Bella couldn't tell where Alice was taking her. All she knew was that she was glad to finally see a Cullen again, even if it wasn't the one she was hoping for.

Bella cried into Alice's shoulder, but she felt herself slipping away, her head becoming dizzy and airy, her breaths becoming more shallow.

Alice continued to run.

"Oh god, oh god," Alice said over and over. It didn't do anything to keep Bella calm at all. Bella saw trees, the night sky, the moon, Alice's face… she tried to keep her attention focused on one thing, but she found that she wasn't able to.

She couldn't hold on, and soon enough, everything went black.

* * * *

"Carlisle," a voice said, but Bella couldn't identify whose voice it was. They sounded concerned, and Bella wanted to reach out and find out what was wrong, wanted to console them and help them in any way. The apprehension in their voice made her heart bend and break.

But she found that she couldn't move, nor could she see anything; she was bound by something, and for some reason, she couldn't open her eyes. She was frightened by this, and wanted to say something to convey her fear to the others in the room with her--but nothing came out of her mouth, no sound came from her throat.

In her mind, Bella was screaming, praying someone could see her, hear her, help her. But no one came.

"I'm trying the best I can, Alice. She lost a lot of blood. She really knew what she was doing."

Alice sighed, and though she couldn't hear Alice leave the room, Bella felt her presence was gone.

Slowly, she felt herself sinking back into reality, and she began to talk, but all that came out were mumbled nothings.

Before her mumbling even began, Alice shot back into the room.

"She's awake!" she exclaimed. "Oh, god, finally. I was so worried."

As Bella came to, she opened her eyes and saw an angel's face with blonde hair and golden eyes staring back into hers.

Carlisle said nothing; he gave Bella a weak smile, stood up and left the room.

Alice walked up and pulled off the straps that were holding Bella down on the hospital bed. She wasn't in a hospital, though; it looked more like she was in a house. Like she was in the Cullen's house.

"You really scared me, Bella," Alice whispered as she bent down and unhooked the restraints. "I knew you wouldn't fend well without him, and us… but I never knew…" she let her thought trail off, and then left the room.

Bella took in a deep breath, realizing they had left her alone in the room. Was she supposed to stay in there? Or was she allowed to get up and travel around?

Bella sighed and inspected her wrists. On her left arm, there was a gauze pad that almost covered her entire forearm. On the other, there were only a few stitches. She had really planned to give it all up, and Alice had saved her. A tiny part of Bella was thankful for her, but a much bigger part was angry. Upset, betrayed. She tried to end it all, and the source of her suffering--well, the sister of her source of suffering--had come back to save her.

Bella felt the hot tears in her eyes, but these tears were out of anger and frustration. Why was she forced to stay on this earth? Why couldn't she just leave and be in peace forever?

"Why'd you do it?" a voice broke the silence. Bella's hand flew up to her throat, and she found she couldn't breathe for a moment.

She knew that voice. If she had lost all knowledge of his mannerisms and his face and his appearance and smell, more than anything, she would remember his voice.

There was no sound in the room. How had she not felt him in the room with her? For the longest time, no one said anything, and she started to think that she had imagined him saying something. She heard no breathing, nothing--but then again, he was a vampire.

"I had no other choice," she mouthed the words, void of noise. She knew he would have heard her.

"No other choice?" he asked, quietly, angry.

"You left me again!" she burst out, and clinched her fists.

"I had no other choice." He paused. Bella became angry that he was mocking her. He continued, "You used me."

The anger inside of Bella bubbled up from her stomach and threatened the ears of anyone in close range, but at that moment, he stepped from behind her bed and in front of her, and she caught a glimpse of his face before he turned around to gaze out the window.

Through his sweater she could see his sculpted shoulder blades, his muscular arms, and she stared in awe at the sight of him. He was beautiful; he was perfect.

"You don't even try to deny it."

"Wh-what?" Bella stuttered, unaware of what was being said.

"You used me, Bella. For your own sick pleasure."

Edward turned to face her. She wasn't sure what to say--she didn't even know what she was being accused of.

"I don't understand," she admitted.

"You don't understand, do you?" he snapped. "Really, now? You didn't trick me into anything a few days before our wedding so you could get your carnal desires? You're lucky, you are. You got away with it because I can't read your mind. I should have known, I should have known…" he trailed off.

Bella finally understood what he was trying to say: that she had used him for sex, and nothing else.

"How can you be so _obtuse_?" she charged.

"What?" he breathed, hurt by her insult.

"You think I used you, Edward? Really?" she let the question hang there, letting him soak it all in. Sarcastically, she added, "That makes a lot of sense, Edward. It really does. I _obviously_ used you. And it shows in all the times that I cried when you were gone--not once, but twice. When you left me in the woods, and I wandered off, only to be found by Sam. It shows by the fact that I've offered up a year of my life and dedicated it to you--and not only that, but I was willing to give you my lifetime, my eternity. I wanted to _be _like you. I wanted to be with you, forever, and I was willing to give up my family, friends, and everything for that."

Bella's rant left him silent, and she found herself loosening up.

"You don't want me, Bella. You just want eternity."

Bella's jaw dropped. "Are you serious? Are you really making that accusation?"

Edward didn't say anything; he slowly turned towards her. His eyes were sad, his face holding a begging look--as if he didn't want to believe what he was saying. He wanted her to prove him wrong.

"If it were eternity I wanted, I could have just asked Carlisle or Alice to change me. Did you ever consider that? There's a reason I wanted it to be _you_."

Edward crossed the floor and appeared at Bella's bedside, taking one of her hands into both of his.

"Edward," she said, and took her free hand to cover his, "There was no point to eternity without you."

Bella took a chance and looked up from under her eyelashes into Edward's face, and she found she had broken him down. His face was twisted in despair and disgust, and he looked away from her.

"I don't want to exist for another moment if I can't have you with me," he said.

"That's how I've felt for the past several months," she replied.

Edward inhaled, preparing himself to apologize.

"Bella, I don't expect you to ever forgive me. You are right for calling me obtuse." Edward looked her in the eyes. "If you could find it in your heart to accept me back… I've broken my promise twice. I'm so unbelievably, undeniably sorry for that, and I swear to never do it again. I just have to be reminded of these things sometimes."

Bella smiled and reached up to touch his cheek. "I know. I'm sorry that I broke my promise to you by not marrying you first. If you could find it in your heart to forgive me, I'd…" she paused, finding the words hard to admit, "Well… I'd love to be your wife."

Edward leaned down and kissed her fully on the lips, knotting his fingers into her hair. Bella's heart began to race, and just as she was about to throw her arms around him, he pulled back.

Edward's eyes were furious.

"Any particular reason why you taste like dog?"


End file.
